Quoted By:
Alright, you know he’s evil and all, but a BACK MASSAGE sounds friggin’ AMAZING right now, so clearing your throat in an attempt to dispel the awkwardness, you ask if TIM can get you, uh, ‘set up’.
“But of COURSE!” He croons in that nasally-voice of his as a skeletal thrall forms behind you and starts kicking the crap outta’ those KNOTS in your back! That’s the TICKET!
“Seriously?” Hisses Ly as you bite your lip and close your eyes for a moment, “Dat’ does it–gonna sign ya’ up fer Special Ed-ooh, hey, dat’ DOES feel good!”
RIIIGHT? Spellbound by the skeleton’s magic hands, you wrest control of your mind back long enough to ask a question–after all, villains LOVE to spill their guts right before the final battle!
So, you begin, voice quiet and shaky from the ongoing massage, he thinks he’s gonna win, huh?
“Would I be this calm if I wasn’t certain?” Replies the lich in an unnervingly chiding tone!
Well you-OH MAN, right THERE! YES! Ahem, nothing’s uh… nothing’s set in stone, man! How long has he-little more to the left-how long has he been planning this, anyways? This kind of evil couldn’t have been planned overnight!
“HAH! Longer than you can COUNT, MOP JOCKEY!” Laughs the lich as his skeleton throne and torches join in, “Tell me, worm: what do you know of THE DRUIDS?”
Well, you ponder aloud, they don’t celebrate Christmas and your uncle always talks about how they run all the ban-”
“DRUIDS, Stan.” Ly politely corrects.
Oh! Well you know HE’S one, you explain, and that he got his ass kicked a while ago, but that’s about it!
“I SEE…” Purrs TIM as he runs a phalange across his chin, “Very well… I shall elucidate for you… THE MYSTERY OF THE DRUIDS!”
Dramatically raising his bony hands skyward, small, glowing puppet strings sprout from the lich’s hands along with two equally-luminescent puppets–both wearing humble robes and wearing bone charms in their impressive beards!
“My Circle met in what is now the Scottish Isles on a swampy, wretched rock bereft of anything save for insects, brambles, and bogs. There were others like me, of course, but they require no mention–nor do they deserve it!”
What was the island’s name, you ask with mild interest.
“IRRELEVANT!” Booms the lich as your masseuse takes cover behind you! “Besides, if you tried to pronounce it you’d go mad… or accidentally bite your FAT TONGUE off! FOCUS!”
Hey, your tongue isn’t FAT, oka-
“In those days solitude was common, and with little outside interference we were free to commune with nature and study in peace… for a time, at least.”
Your eyes widen in surprise as the puppets dive into a squabble!
“But as always, POLITICS reared its ugly head! The Archdruid fell ill and we knew a replacement would be needed… you can imagine how THAT went, hm?”
Sure, you shrug, whatever!
“Hey, YOU ASKED TO HEAR THE STORY! LOSE THE ATTITUDE!”
>CONTD.
