Quoted By:
You can hold it. You hold Second Place in New Mexico's annual "Who Can Hold (sh)It Longest?" Contest. Woulda had First Place, if that cheater Billy Bob Rickets didn't surgically replace his stomach and intestines with an adult cow's.
You're still awful sore about that, maybe you can get the procedure done later and beat him next year.
But you're not as sore as you are hungry, so you ride down 7 blocks to A&W while trying not to pinch loaf, and use the drive-thru, like you've done dozens of times in the past during training season.
You order two rootbeer floats, and two Frito boats. You still have $19,978 and six cents after purchasing your food.
You pass a cup to the incapacitated alien's cupholder, and pig out on the rest.
"Tiffany" doesn't touch her food at all.
With the last cold sip and soggy chew, you've gotta tap out. Time to let slip the dogs of war.
>You'll be done in a jiffy, just gotta run in and out real quick. Three minutes, tops.
>Leave a robot alien in your truck? Are you crazy? "Tiffany" is coming to the bathroom with you.
>...But what about the truck itself? That better come inside the bathroom, too.
>Shit on the cash register and hand in your verbal resignation to the shift co-managers, Reggie and Reginald.
>Keep holding the shits in, just let nature run its course and spray when the urge arises. Also, kidnap a nearby Mexican.
>(WRITE IN)
Then, it's time to go to Immigration services.
There's no time to waste.
You've got to save this nation from the Mexicans and the Skeleton People and the Nigerians and the Arabs and the Technotaurs. Being a patriot has never been a bigger responsibility.
Jumping back in the driver's seat of your bitchin', brand-spankin'-new, 2017 Ford F-150 in the Oxford White acrylic polyurethane "enamel" with a pigmented basecoat and a clear lacquer topcoat finish, you speed down the main thoroughfares of Roswell, and witness ___________________.
>Roll 1d100!! All dice rolls will be used!!
1-20 A got-dang toothless lot lizard, trying to gum you up in a suckjob!!
21-40 A got-dang tractor, trying to suck up your time in a slow procession down the road!!
41-60 A got-dang gato, or mexican cat, trying to pussyfoot around with you in a cute display of affection!!
61-80 A got-dang sprinting car salesman with a clipboard in his head, trying to make you stiff in a last-ditch revenge attempt!!
81-100 A got-dang illegal alien UFO, trying to suck you up in a tractor beam!!
