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After about six months and 15 cheapo kits of constant failure I've finally managed to put on a non-sandpapery coat of paint!
After exhausting every reasonable paint-thinner ratio, I found success by keeping it 1:1 and cranking up the PSI to 40-50. Contrary to what I've read, wet coats stick to primer just fine at that pressure and retarder keeps it from drying mid-flight.
Even if it's baby steps, it feels good to get something done, maybe I'll make it one day