Dump your bullshit here. Vent, confess, tell a story.

I've been in the shittiest rut I've ever been. I work a dead end job and barely rake in enough money between myself and the gf. We live in a shitty neighborhood with no backyard and shithead neighbors glaring at any person that comes by their porches or goes outside. The summer heat has been making any outdoor activies undbearable and lockdowns have taken even the most simplest of joys like going to the movies away from us. I don't even see my therapist. I have to talk to her over the phone and the sessions just make me more stressed because it's like I'm talking to myself. I've been smoking a lot of pot and eating junkfood just to feel happy. With little to no money to play with I always feel guilty when I buy toys. I never get a lot, but it still makes me feel like shit. I don't even buy nice clothes because it seems like a waste and I wear the same shit until it's beat to hell before I get more stuff. I got a dslr for photography with my taxes and my setup hasn't even been completed in the last 5 months. I got figs I bought to take out into the world and capture but again, the heat and the lack of a car prevents me. If I wanted a car I wouldn't be able to keep up with the payments because insurance is so goddamn expensive. Now I've gone and bought some cheap figures from my childhood to play with to feel something. Not pose or put on a shelf, but actually play with. I just haven't had anything to do that felt truly good in so goddamn long. Everything just feels like I do it to prevent myself from sinking further. Am I a retard for doing this? I feel like I should be ashamed but idk.