My girlfriend, who I've had almost as long as my toaster, tried to throw my toaster away today.

I came home and the ol' reliable toastiere (which I've had for 15 years) was in an Amazon box in our recycling bin, and some new globohomo chinese model was sitting in its place. Likely the tomb of my toaster was the box that the new one came in, ironic but I guess fitting for her attack on my family of kitchen appliances.

I usually get drunk most nights after she falls asleep and that's not okay but she didn't even tell me about her boorish toasterioni ambitions. I rescued the poor lad and wiped 'em down with a towel. I don't even toast things that much but we have history, this old ass toaster and I.

I mostly want someone to hear this swan song and ruminate on the state of the American and his toaster, but what do I do with this stupid shit she brought into the household? The obvious answer is to trash it and bellow in a righteous fury at her poor decisions, but this may be non-conducive to getting my carrot waxed, which is also important.

I actually don't know model and make information because everything has been burned off from being a toaster probably born in the '60s, but it always reminded me of the dude from the Brave Little Toaster, so that's the OP image I'm going with because OP is definitely the fagel setting on the toaster. Thanks for listening, I'm upset