>>57232180In chapter 3,
Garchomp's reason for trusting Weavile ("we made a deal") seemed naive because there's nothing stopping Weavile from simply reneging and betraying everyone. Also, Garchomp's character felt inconsistent to me: Weavile instantly enraged him by calling him a coward, but earlier, Garchomp told d'Alin he's okay with not being the strongest, so I found it odd that being mocked would affect him this much.And after he was murdered, there wasn't nearly enough emotion from the other characters. In fact, d'Alin basically ignored the tragedy and said they should just get the treasure and leave, which felt weirdly callous. I think you should've taken the time to show how everyone reacts to losing a friend/mentor/partner. I also thought it was strange how they abandoned his body instead of carrying it out so they could give it funeral rites or something.Near the end of the chapter, d'Alin stated that Althi has become a good leader, but this wasn't really supported in the story. She needed more scenes and character development showing how she's gradually taking charge and leading the group, instead of d'Alin just telling us "she's a good leader now".
One last thing: saying that reviver seeds don't work anymore is an odd addition to the lore, because characters have previously used them in our stories without issue. If the idea is that it's a brand new problem, then it may make more sense, but this concept may need a bit more discussion before we agree to canonize it or not.
Well, that's all I have to say. The feedback I gave here is just my opinion, but I hope you find it useful. I did have quite a few criticisms, but don't worry--despite that, I still enjoyed reading these chapters. I like how the story and characters are turning out so far, and I’m looking forward to reading the rest of what you've written.
2/2
