>>30001348I come bearing the gift of commentary. How much it fucks your shit up is to be determined.
First off, one good thing about the chapter is: I really like all the descriptions you give of the mental battle between Latias and Starmie. They were pretty interesting to read, considering the actual battle was little more than them concentrating, along with (I like to imagine) making weird faces while doing so in the case of Latias.
Starmie would too if it had a face.But the first problem is this: I feel like Starmie might persist a bit too long with trying the whole direct mental assault thing. Maybe it should've given up on trying to bust through Latias' shield and just go with tangible attacks once it realized its attacks couldn't break the barrier. That said, it might just be my personal opinion, and I don't think it necessitates a rewrite.
Secondly, Steven seems to just stand there and do nothing the whole time, even when Starmie clearly is failing at its goal. Considering Steven seems to be a pretty irritable guy, I'd imagine he would get more active when Starmie fails, perhaps shouting at it to keep trying or maybe even rushing Michael to attack him personally, instead of just waiting for Michael's mind to snap in twain or whatever he's ordered Starmie to do to him.
Also, if Steven wanted to murder Michael, as it seems he does considering Latias detects a "killing intent" in him, why would he do it when Cathy was there as a witness? Unless he's insane, or is enough of a stone cold killer to waste her as well despite her being an innocent bystander. Seems like he'd rather wait until later, when Micheal was alone, unless he's just that impatient (or just totally remorseless like I said before).
...Okay, this is getting way longer than I thought it would. Part two coming soon.
