>>55528198I read vee's latest story, "Achoos You".
>https://rentry.org/zx6cwsz3Good job writing the characters and dialogue. I particularly like Cory's personality, and I agree with Linoone-anon's prior comment, because he reminded me of NIMH's crow too. Descriptions are generally good, and the battle scene was fun to read. Rain being a flower nerd is a cool angle (I look forward to seeing what other flowers pop up), and the sneezing thing is funny. And the artwork is very nice, of course.
As for criticism: although the dialogue itself is pretty good, its grammar could be cleaned up. For instance, sometimes the speaker is unclear, like after Rain
uses Swift and there are 3 quotes where the speaker isn't specified. Also, dialogue tags (i.e., phrases that explain who is talking & how they're talking) could use some work, along with punctuation involving quotes.
For one thing: you should use commas, not a period, if the quote is followed by a dialogue tag, like here:
>"Well, no. He's... a normal colour." Rain stutters.(But if the quote ends in ! or ? then no comma is needed.)
And don't capitalize the start of the dialogue tag, like you did here:
>"Boss, you know this bird?" A Spinarak asks.And be careful about what verb you use, because verbs that don't describe talking (like "smile") can't be used as dialogue tags. Example:
>"Rain, think you can help a mate out?" He smiles weakly.would look better if you wrote it like
>"Rain, think you can help a mate out?" he asks, smiling weakly.or
>He smiles weakly. "Rain, think you can help a mate out?"(Putting the phrase in front like that, with a period at the end, is fine. But if you use a talking verb like "asks", it'll need a comma at the end.)
...Sorry if that sounds pedantic. Hope it wasn't too annoying, and hope it makes sense. Overall, good work on this story. I look forward to the next one.
