>>42830191I espouse anti war views and I'd rather not kill anyone except in self-defense. But when a lot of people around the world start dying in war or epidemics and shit I get really excited, it's a weird kind of melancholic euphoria. I laugh a lot at really fucked up circumstances, although usually I keep that bottled up and put on a grim face when other people are around. Often times I think the only way to fix the ruling body in my country is to kill most of the people in charge of it in a violent revolution, or to have a military coup, even though I also know that none of the fixes put in place by those solutions will stick long enough to matter.
A lot of these thoughts and tendencies got their start when I started going to university and I saw what "higher education" was actually like, but I figured a little later when I was diagnosed, that they were just a part of the depression I'd fallen into at the time. Now that I'm not depressed I realize that all this stuff is genuinely the product of my healthy mind and not of my illness. I'm a much more fucked up person than I ever imagined. As much as this all sounds like some edgy teenager shit, it scares me sometimes and makes me wonder if, no matter what I do in life, I'll still die as a horrible person.
