>>56029396As for criticism regarding "Within Me": the trio's responses to meeting each other felt too muted and nonchalant, and I was confused by the way they react to their visions, because everyone seems to inexplicably know the others are having visions too. I also had mixed feelings about how the amnesia and memory recovery are being handled, but I already brought that up before, so I won't go into detail again (unless you want me to). And this may be a nitpick, but in Chapter 4, I don't understand how Mako failed to realize they were in the PMD world, considering he's been hanging out in Treasure Town all this time.
Though I liked the heartwarming bits with Dav, Chapter 6 felt boring because there was no conflict. It would've been better if there was some sort of struggle involved, like the characters messing up the project or having to complete it under some sort of duress. In fact, at the end, you mention that
Gurdurr was planning to destroy the house if it turned out poorly. You could've mentioned that earlier, and used it as a source of tension for the characters. Also, another nitpick, but building a whole house in a single day is pretty crazy, which kinda breaks suspension of disbelief. I think it should've been written as a longer-term project (perhaps even a long-term dream/goal for the team).
Last but not least, grammar. There's two major grammar issues I have to bring up: comma splices and incomplete sentences. There are tons of those in your writing, so I'd suggest researching them and trying to avoid them. There are also various small typos like character names not being capitalized or quotes not having commas at the end, or pronouns randomly changing. These mistakes can be fixed pretty easily, though.
I feel like I got caught up in criticism again... Sorry about that. I don't want to sound too negative. I enjoy this trio of characters, and I look forward to seeing more of them. Good luck with your future writing.
(2/2)
