>>56943673>>56943737>>56943857Noted, this was more of a proof of concept piece to try writing Pokemon in general.
I'm a big proponent of "Just sit down and write some shit and see how it looks after a round of beta reading". Took a quick stab at it, I know I get overly descriptive in the setting sometimes but I usually take the stance of "edit down" the fat. If you write sparingly there isn't as much room to trim it down, so I err on the side of too much since a lot gets cut before publishing usually.
I'll take another jab at it from another angle and see how it looks. I was half expecting everyone to say it doesn't feel like pokemon at all, but if the only complaints so far are "too many words and minor details are fucking weird" I think I'm in a good position to actually start some work.
As far as "Mei" goes it's just a placeholder desu. It felt decent but I didn't know why, was probably half remembering the one characters name on accident. As for Lance showing up I just thought it would be cool; the entire chapter was a test run to see if I could pull it off. Nobody seemed to think Lance was poorly depicted at least, just that he was there, which I was basically expecting.
It seems like there's a general agreement that I'm over the target at least. I'll smooth out the prose a bit, refine the characters. The pacing is fucky *because* it's a test-run, same with the cardboard thin premise really.
Thanks for the feedback anons, I'll go to drafting a real opening chapter with a bit more meat on it and come back in a bit with the revisions.
