>>28534058Take my notation of awkward phrasing with a grain of salt. I could very well be full of shit and just not like the way something sounded.
Line 144; adverb.
Line 146; "the thought caused a small surge of pity within him" - awkward; focus shifts to the feeling of pity upon him, not him feeling pity.
Line 152; suddenly, quickly, immediately, quickly - urgency is in our heads the second we see "suddenly". Underscore it with action if you need to.
Line 168: Thoughts of Lurantis...; this sentence just doesn't sit well with me, it feels out of order, likely brought on by the explanation you put between the two commas.
Line 172: I think this is what tipped me from really buying into Stoutland's guilt. This paragraph - the way you present the possible dangers, it feels off. "not taking enough damage to faint and finally leave the dungeon" is a sentence that could be restructured to help improve his inner struggle. It's too awkward otherwise. "just imagine the absolute terror" is also another phrase that took me out of the read.
The issue here I think, is one of voice; Stoutland's been speaking and thinking one way for the work, and this new voice, while it is intended to be guilt, feels like a completely different person and not just a guilty conscience. It takes this out of his head and somewhere out there, into the world around him, and that pulled me out of reading the paragraph.
Am I making sense? God I hope I am.
Also poor Lurantis. 