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Seek professional help anon. I was in your situation and things did not end well for me. I hit rock bottom and lost a lot of super important people in my life. After that I started talking to a therapist and taking my life just one day at a time. It won’t be easy, but life is much much better than death as stupid and obvious as that may sound.
Here’s my favorite mon. I always name her Ursula after a Spanish teacher I use to have a crush on.