>>31214165>Line 3: "really" and "she" can be joined with a semicolon. Also, try to not start sentences with conjunctions.>Line 13: Not sure if this is the best use of "stoically" unless you specify that Feebas is being the stoic one.>Line 31: Awkward usage of "skull" in my opinion. A simple "head" could do, maybe mentioning the elongated part of it for detail's sake.>Line 35: I'm still working on Pokémon vocalization in my stories, but there's almost definitely a better onomatopoeia for Skarmory than "bark". >implying birds are dogsNot bad so far, though I can't remember Dawn being so emotionless.
