>>32823215>L1Between actually saying "kick back and relax" and the capitalization of Summer, we're not off to a strong start. You've set the scene and soaked it in cliche.
>L2 - 11Needless. We're reading Pokemon fanfiction for a reason. No one here is confused or new.
>L13 - 15Adverbs are as needed, not as desired. If you have to be brief, use one, if you have the ability to show, do that instead. Also these paragraphs are still wildly uninteresting - from L1 to now we have no real sense of cohesion, just blocks of text setting up things that could be better shown over over how you've elected to simply dump the information for us.
>L17Finally, a paragraph that sounds like the lead into to something. Cut from L1 all the way up to this particular point, condense it into a two sentence setup for the scene and get a move on. Why? Because L17 is where action actually occurs. I've read this far solely because I am critiquing the work, not because I am compelled.
Consider:
"The sun was shining, a breeze carried in the air, and Cam was soaking up a lazy afternoon in a way that only the life of a wandering, mellow Trainer could afford him. He heard a plop and snapped out of his reverie in time to see some of the ice cream his Gardevoir was eating splattered on the ground and hear her soft whine break the silence."
From 724 to 68, but now we can [show] the reader all the things Cam you wanted to say. Just my suggestion however, and one you can refuse if you desire.
