>>22263345You should learn how to properly space out your paragraphs.
As of right now, they're just gigantic chunks of text with little to no rhyme or reason behind your line breaks.
Whenever a character initiates dialogue, put it on its own line. Whenever a new idea, action or thought occurs, put it on its own line.
Also, there should be a space after every ellipses (...). You shouldn't overuse them either. Ellipses are used to slow down the reader's speed. Putting too much of them causes the reader's reading pace to go all over the place.
Your paragraphs feel like they're disjointed, with multiple sentences within one paragraph all describing different things. Paragraph 3, for instance, starts off with her describing her bed, and then suddenly herself and her friends. If a new idea or topic appears, move it onto a new paragraph.
