>>23227569Dying is a beautiful thing when committed at one's own hand in the sense that the right to negate an individual's very existence is put into practice, but there's something lingering and grotesque about it. Life is nice right now, but even when I was bouncing between households blaming myself for everything that went wrong, and wondering why I wasn't a better person than I was, the concept of just throwing the sheer possibility that things could get better out the window in favor of instant relief disgusted me. Maybe this will change in 20 years or so when there's a chance that I can run out of things to like and no longer have the energy to answer the question of "why not" with "why" and vice-versa. Maybe the reason that jokes about suicide are so persistent and amusing is the very fact that a fine line exists between those who go through with it and those who do not, yet from a rational perspective, there's just as much reason to end a stream of consciousness as there is to experience it, so it's like you're poking at the rationalization of irrational activity no matter which side you actually sit on.
>he says trying to be edgy and deep as he's in shidbosding: tha threb :DDD at quarter of 3 in the morning instead of engaging in face-to-face social activity 