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Flareon's fur is a fucking nightmare and it can shoot fire at me when it's angry. No thank you.
It's cold enough here without a goddamn glaceon, so no thank you.
Leafeon is kind of cool I guess, but it would probably attract insects or something.
Jolteon, while being able to supply energy, is way too energetic for a lazy asshole like me. That wiggy fucker probably needs like fifty walks a day at a million miles per hour. Fuck that shit.
Sylveon could give me beauty tips, but I'd sooner kill myself than take advice from my fruity pet dog.
Espeon is cool. It has psychic powers to crush my enemies and cheat at card games. I dunno though, something about it being smarter than me and also able to crush me like an insect doesn't sit right with me. At then end of the day, I would probably end up getting pussy whipped by a pussy cat,
Now, while a Pokemon that can fuck you up if it wanted to is bad, a Pokemon that naturally goes out of its way to ruin your day is just a whole new level of bad. Dark types = bad, Umbreon = bad.
So that leaves...Vaporeon? Well, it would save me some money on my water bill, even if bathing in it would be bizarre. The grooming would be easy, considering it's pretty much what would happen if someone made a dolphin fuck a dog except way less disgusting and immoral. I think this may the best one, even if I could totally see myself accidentally draining it when I'm done bathing. But we'll cross that bridge when we come it.