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Hi, /vp/. I genuinely appreciate the concern and talk of counseling and such, but I never really felt the need, because I've never done anything harmful. I purposely avoid Pokemon that are aggressive or unlike me.
Even if I did see someone, I needed a quick solution for tonight. I can work on NOT being a Pokemon, but if I'm not a Pokemon tonight I risk being an awkward sperg.
With all of the suggestions here, I think I'm going to go with Honchkrow. Thank you guys!