>>33702209After I read it, I had to sit on it a time, because this one's a doozy. Pic related adequately sums up my impressions of your whole journey to date. I can respond to both this 'work' and everything you've posted leading up to it with a simple 'what is even the fucking point?' but that wouldn't do it justice. Judging by your reaction to tex, this is gonna fall on deaf ears. He's 100% right; this thing is all tell, and there's no introductions, which I'll address later.
As a sanity check I passed this to two other writers in a workshopping group. One of them said, quite early into his experience, "I wake up in a cold sweat at the possibility I might be doing stuff like this" The other said, upon finishing, "I am less whole for having [read] it". They accurately sum up my own feelings on a personal level.
But enough of my feelings. How about some feedback?
First, your prose is absurdly clunky, and I say that as someone who gets knocked for jargon myself. One sentence struck me as perfectly representative of everything wrong with your style:
>The memories were all coming back to him, but he felt like here, he had no cloudiness of memory, as if his physical brain had been replaced by some kind of spiritual memory apparatus.If I had to select a single sentence from the entirety of pokemon fanfiction to show writers what not to do, it would be this sentence. I had trouble copying it into this box because my mind constantly tried to re-arrange it. Like the entire microscene - there is not a single proper scene in this whole chapter - I found it in, this sentence is poorly constructed, and far too long for the barest inkling of any sort of premise it contains. There's a tiny core of something that could possibly be interesting that you studiously ignore and actively sabotage.
