>>28472392>>28494287B2F: Watch adverb use. The general mood is implied or outright shown pretty well in many places here, and adding on the adverb doesn't do much when it is quite clear how the character would be reacting.
>“I think I’m starting to forget what the sun looks like,” Lurantis said, glancing around nervously. “I hate the dark. It’s not good for a Lurantis to be in such a place for so long.”Here's a good example; the prior paragraph explains at length how awful Lurantis feels. We know her glancing about is out of fear, so you don't need to tag it as such.
B3F: Check over your sentences and reread them (this applies to B2F as well) for awkward phrasing. Say it aloud if you aren't confident in repeating it in your head and ensure that it flows appropriately.
>Despite his attempt to hide what he said, though, Lurantis still heard him.This is awkwardly phrased: "though" disrupts the flow of the sentence, consider just removing it or rephrasing.
>Cold darkness surrounded her as she entered the tunnel, and she shivered as she ran to catch up with her companion, who was surrounded by a ring of the only light around.This too has some awkward phrasing; the last portion is rather passively phrased.
Bear these in mind, but overall you're making fine progress. Watch your ellipsis use though. Commas and periods, mate.
>>28499968Glad to hear it anon. I might do some more drabbles if the mood takes me, they're usually quite fun.
