>>22592106Yes, I am quite fond of focusing on side characters too! I liked Winona, but the games don't tend to focus on much backstory for gym leaders, so it's always nice to see people writing for them.
As for the story, I enjoyed it. It has good pacing, sentence variation, and dialogue appears to be a strength of yours. I am also partial to stories that are humorous and you have quite a few times where you took liberties to add that quirkiness in. The games are generally lighthearted in the same sort of way. The way you've integrated Pokemon into this world is also nice to see. I read a lot of fanfics that place them as sort of an accessory to a person rather than a member of the household or functional transportation.
I have a few little nitpicks--I agree with the anon who said to use quotation marks. I can tell it is dialogue a little better that way because they stand out more. I think you should put a larger space in between the first scene with the movers and the second scene with the resignation. Maybe a few more lines--3 or 4? It's easy to glance over the scene change with only one space between it and the above paragraph.
As for what an earlier anon said about tone clashes, it may help to rewrite some of the scenes a bit differently. For example, taking more time to focus on Winona's antics before introducing all the shady stuff, perhaps moving it toward the latter half of the chapter. This is our first experience with Winona and while we later get a feel for her character, it's only after we see the conversation involving the League and the messenger. Then, we move back to Winona--see how the emotion reads a bit bumpy? Also, moving the shady business to the end will be a way to hook your audience into reading what comes next.
Other than that, I am curious to see what else you come up with! I hope this advice is helpful to you.
