>>58589336>>58589516>>58591441People keep dancing around it, so I'll say it: It's not well written.
Had to read it three times to get a grasp of what's going on. 6 other people are in the room, and I have no idea who about half of them are. I'm still not sure what happened at the end. I'm sure it makes sense in your head, but as I reader I am confused.
The big issue is believable antagonists. What you've written so far has the family as antagonists. That made sense. I expect head-butting there.
But these two priests came from nowhere and act completely opposite of how a priest actually would. And there's two of them, making it doubly weird. They don't act like real people. They act like clowns. And that's not an exaggeration, I do mean they act like literal clowns spraying holy seltzer water instead of actual priests.
>Casually in Phox's house (mmmkay...)>Don't speak a word when they absolutely would try to figure out what's going on.>'Protesting a make a wish patient's cancer surgery because lol gay' is clownishly evil and a cheap way to make readers side with Phox.>Immediately escalate to violence and assault the Phox. In what world do not one, but two priests, immediately resort to fighting, wrestling, and pinning?>'Exorcism' is a Hollywood 'holy water lala Latin dance'You got an axe to grind with religion? Fine, whatever. But there needs to be setup in a story. Villains need to be intelligent and act reasonable. Nothing here is reasonable, and "well, they ARE that crazy" comes off as an excuse to grind the axe. It's just not as good as your other writing.
