>>36153791You've made a lot of progress since you posted the first bit of this. I think this isn't too badly written overall--things are generally described well and the interactions between the two main characters are mostly good--but I see some issues. One problem is that your speech tags frequently come too late. Try not to write several lines of speech before telling us who's talking. Also, you constantly misuse punctuation in quotes. Commas never go after the end quote. They go before the end quote, and replace the period if there's one there, but if there's a ! or ?, use no comma.
For example...
>"Damn it, Ink, I told you, don't wake me up like that!", he shouted.should be
>"Damn it, Ink, I told you, don't wake me up like that!" he shouted.or maybe even
>"Damn it, Ink!" he shouted. "I told you not to wake me up like that!"By the way, Ink is a nice name for an UmbreonAdditionally, I don't really like the way you include the Pokemon elements, because it feels unnecessary and doesn't do much for the story. If you ask me, you could easily replace the Pokemon references with Made in Abyss references or real-world things, and it'd be the same story. Ink could just be a dog or cat, the Pokemon items that Loris said he found in the cave could just be non-Pokemon items, the wild Pokemon in the Abyss (like Poochyena and Ariados) could just be normal animals or MiA monsters, etc. Even the characters' plan to catch some Pokemon at the end doesn't feel integral to the story, and could be easily removed or replaced with some other plan. Right now, the story feels like an MiA fanfiction with some random Pokemon elements sprinkled in for no reason. I'm not saying you should drop this crossover idea completely, but I suggest you find a way to integrate the two series better.
>>36154149This post, image, and filename are giving me vivid and unwanted flashbacks to my first story. Even so, it is good advice.
