>>22335318I got through it. Excuse the late postin', I'm a bit of a slow person what with distractions and all.
For starters, to get through my list, you should give your writing a read through or two more with a day or so since reading / working in it so you can catch some of the grammatical errors you'd left. In addition, try not to mix up your tenses, as you do mix up sometimes, just as Moth had brought up earlier.
Another quick thing, I understand that it's porn, so y'know, porn magic, but
"as they all snicker and take out a 12 inch numel-themed, rubber-spiked, dildo." First off, there's a tense error there, second, where did it come from? Obviously that'd be something really difficult to answer, but at least try to show a little self-awareness in a logical way that the situation itself IS illogical.
Another quickie: a good rule of thumb is to never put thoughts in quotations. You'd done so at "'Team E... but that's me' Linus thought." I understand this is pastebin and whatnot, so there's no bold or italics, but even then it's best left without the quotes. Thoughts are not | Spoken |, after all.
Your script itself is a getting there. Avoid adverbs. There's a whole lesson on that, but to summarize it, adverbs (such as quickly, furiously, poorly, verbs ending in -ly, with some minor exceptions) are a bit of a short-cut-to-description thing. There are times adverbs are good of course, but where "furiously" makes one, effect "-did so with great fury" or
better stuff along the lines has a stronger and more descriptive one. An adverb tells you how. Avoiding it leaves the reader to expand their imagination a bit more, and in your own writing makes it a bit more colorful and such. But I won't get into it too much here.
I don't m/m, but I did read through anyways. For a straight
not literal straight, y'know what I mean up smut, seems to be alright. But.. comment's too long. TBC?
>>22335751Don't stare, Moth.
