>>55640662I read most of IV-anon's stories, but I'm still organizing my thoughts on the Error series. For now, I'll give feedback on the newer Zangoose story: "National Dex Pokegraphic: Prologue".
>https://rentry.org/zangoose1Great job with being descriptive and including lots of imagery, making it easy to visualize things (though I feel like it dipped into purple prose sometimes). The concept of the book is intriguing, and a cool setup for future stories. Same with Mustel's interest in zoology. I think there's a lot of potential for a character like that. The main fight scene was exciting. The relationship of the main characters was mostly good, and had some decent banter too.
But I think their relationship may have needed a bit more development, because they became friends pretty easily despite being so violent to each other at first. The way they share items and heal each other does help show that they're forgiving each other, but it could've been better if you used the dungeon crawl to show them bonding even more and learning to work together, setting the stage for becoming true partners/teammates.
Also, the very start of the story felt like it was bogged down with describing the library. It would've flowed better if you opened with the protagonist asking "Why did I come here, anyway?" and then showed him wandering the library, while simultaneously giving details about the building.
Speaking of the intro, I thought it felt aimless and not interesting enough. Sure, the book is mysterious, but "One day, I felt inexplicably compelled to pick up a book from the library" feels like a random and insignificant event to kick off the story. It would've been better if the protagonist had a clear motive or conflict from the outset--which would also allow us to understand him, and therefore care more about him and his adventure.
(1/2)
