>>13325551I just read the first chapter. Not bad, you have a pretty good idea going. I think the one thing that would definitely go to improving it is making the language flow a little bit better. Some of the lines, such as
Hilda was now the age of 20 in this new peaceful region of Unova, a nice early morning sunshine has awoken her from her sleep as she yawned in a pleasant manner and smiled to the arrival to a brand new day. are phrased a bit awkwardly and it distracts a little from the overall tone. Using that sentence as an example, you could try something like
Hilda, a 20-year old young woman living in the now-peaceful region of Unova, was awoken by the sunshine peeking through her window. She yawned pleasantly and smiled to greet the brand new day. This makes the language a bit clearer and expresses your overall point better.
I like the idea, so I definitely wish you luck with it.
