>>58940265It seems a shame to abandon your Exeggutor story (which had some good ideas) for a whole new story so quickly.
>>58942570Alright, so while the grammar's a bit better than the Exeggutor story (even if the tense switching isn't), immediately we have some issues here. First off, not to put too fine a point on it, but this story has absolutely nothing to do with this thread, and there's probably a more appropriate place you could be posting it. What ultimately separates /sip/ stories from your more typical Mystery Dungeon-type stories is the excision of the isekai element, but here we have a typical human protag from our world thrust into the world of Pokemon. Even Lopunanon was at least a human already from the Pokemon world.
That aside, hurling the concepts of some new unknown artifact and an interstellar conqueror at our heads without easing us into things immediately starts us off on an awkward footing. I guess we'll just accept all that without getting to see any of it...
Okay, I can accept the people of Alola cobbling some harebrained scheme together in response to an alien invasion (Pokemon world humans ARE kind of chucklefucks, after all), but who the Hell builds a rocket with no solid idea of who's going to fly it? And what do you mean small enough to not be detected? It's a ROCKET... they're not exactly stealthy at any size...
Also, any sort of description of this fortress? What it looks like? What it's doing? No? Okay...
If all our protagonist can think about is food, why are they bothering to eavesdrop? The Aipoms chasing Mareanieanon into the rocket and it just taking off automatically is incredibly contrived and leaves us to think the protagonist is just going to be lead around by the nose by this plot, without being given opportunities to make decisions or even have a character of their own.
So far, none of the disparate elements you've incorporated come together well, leaving us not with a panoply of flavours, but more a bland slurry.
