>>57632393NONO, WAIT! THINK OF THE ADVERTISERS!
>>57629554So, having read through it all, I don't think this was your best work. The pacing was all over the place. Important details were rushed through while lesser details dragged on. Ironically I think all the little side stories going on around the plot ended up being more interesting than the plot itself. I think this is the first time we've read about his parents too, right?
Writing in second-person "you" for so long isn't easy, so props for that, and David's speech at the end was very in-line with the franchise's themes.
As it stands, you write David like Goku, a larger-than-life hero living in a world of cardboard. I think it might be interesting to see him written like Superman where the emphasis is placed on how the world of cardboard reacts to him living there.
Imagine if we built up this mythos with Scott/Scotty talking about how David was willing to help him on a moments notice, Caitlyn talking about how and why she would attend a birthday party just because he asked her to, of the cafe owner talking about the strangest temp he's ever hired, overhearing his parents talk about their son, then finally seeing David take on nine opponents at once to rescue the person he was initially hunting down and giving him that sage's wisdom before leaving to go on the next adventure. Could less David be more David? But hey, don't mind me. You do you.
