>>58375274>MaltaYeah, that makes more sense.
>She's being unnecessarily harsh towards him and then immediately going back on it, which is causing confusion and annoyance for Valentine.I see. Well that DEFINITELY needed to be made clearer, because anyone without the grounding in the Japanese language would absolutely not pick that up at all.
>>58375403>I needed an excuse for him to be in the dark for so long and that was the best I came up with.I thought the self-imposed phone detox was already a perfectly reasonable explanation. Didn't really need more than that, I would've said.
>>58375278- I'd be VERY interested to know what went down in Sacramento.
- Sometimes all a rebel needs is a worthy cause, 'ey Val? Still, you definitely do need to hash this out with her. Obviously she's going to wind up staying with you because the plot demands it, but realistically she would need to be at least thinking about trying to find likeminded Japanese speakers like Val was himself thinking about earlier, or maybe even surrendering herself to US authorities. There's gotta be a reasonable catalyst for her to reject other possibilities and stay with you on your aimless (or perhaps no longer aimless?) road trip instead.
So yeah, despite some issues, I like the characters, I like the setup, and I like the dilemma. Give this a proofreading pass and you'll have gold, and will continue to have gold as long as you can stick the landing with regards to giving Matsui a reason to stay with Val (something I'm quite confident you're fully capable of).
