Listen Brendan, I'm telling you, if there's one place you of all people don't need to be at, it's a hat shop.

Don't get me wrong Brendan, your hat is great, best hat ever, it reels in all the babes, that's why you have May on your ass all the time, it's a shame regional laws prevent sex until you're......how old are you again Brendan?

Whatever, it doesn't matter. Back to my point before you interrupted me, Brendan, never go to a hat shop, it's not that your hat's bad, it's just that the kind you have is controversial.

I call these guys "gophers" because they're as blind as gophers.

I'm not sure if I just made that fact up or not.

Anyway Brendan, gophers are blind because when they look at your face, they don't see the small bits of black hair peeking out from under that hat of yours, thus they assume you have white hair, Brendan.

I don't know why I'm bothering explaining this to you, I'm sure you've gone through this so many times alread-

HEY WALLY! OUR TAX PAYERS AREN'T FUNDING THIS CRAP TEAM JUST FOR YOU TO SIT AROUND AND COUGH LIKE A MORON, KICK THE FREAKING BALL ALREADY!

I'm sorry Brendan, that kid just pisses me off.

Listen Brendan, I normally wouldn't recommend this since it's one-hundred percent girl repellent, but, take off the hat the next time someone asks you about it. Actually, you're better off just not wearing it for like, a week to make sure all the idiots know the difference between hats and hair.

Don't let those gophers chew your crops, Brendan. Show them the truth, SHOW THEM THE LIGHT BRENDAN!

Remember that time I wore a sombrero to practice Brendan?

You wouldn't look good in one of those.