>>16756535You have wildly out of control depression and, I'm guessing, your cries for help aren't getting answered or adressed by anyone who you think can actually help you change things in your life?
You need a psychologist and some sort of support structure, as soon as you feel comfortable looking for them.
Most colleges, if you are in one, have an office known as the Disabled Students Services or a Mental Health Services building. DSS exists to help protect you within the school while also helping you protect yourself as a person.
Did you know that in America, Canada, and Britain, depression is a legal disability, and anyone employing you or hosting you at their school -legally has to- accommodate you?
If they don't or if they disregard your claims, you could sue them into the ground. And still end up getting the treatments and help you deserve as a person.
If you aren't a student, I'm sorry that I can't quiet offer you as many easy and fast solutions. Know that there are a TON of free therapy options out there, and there are agencies meant to provide jobs and opportunities (like going to school/getting back into school, if you want) for people who are known as "protected status" individuals (anyone with a disability).
My first suicide attempt was when I was five. I had just seen a baby in a homeless-shelter drown in a bath-tub by its drug addled mother's neglect. I wanted to stop breathing, too.
I've had suicide thoughts since that moment, endlessly occiliating in intensity. But like with most thoughts we all have as people, a suicide thought is just a thought. It might feel really profound or really appealing, but there's no reason to indulge a fantasy that stops your life from ever getting better when you could just as easily try actually having it -be- better with the help of people who exist for you.
Studies show that 1/3 people have depression. That means 1/3 people becomes disabled in their life time, and that 1/3 people know your hurt.
