/vp/ - Pokémon » Thread #18703510

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14KiB, 320x241, ash.jpg

NEED FEEDBACK: My Shitty Fanfic

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:11:09 No.18703510 View View Reply Original Report

http://pastebin.com/t1M61zri

So I wrote part of this fanfic that I plan on posting on fanfiction.net (just for shits and giggles) soon. How is the writing? Is it terrible? It seems very unnatural for me as I removed many of the passive voice statements from this prompt, but I'm not entirely sure. Can I get some feedback?

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO shiggydiggy.png, 1MiB, 1280x722

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:16:45 No.18703579 Report

Quoted By:

Bump.

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:24:02 No.18703669 Report

Quoted By:

I'm ready for any criticism. Throw them at me!

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:25:12 No.18703690 Report

Quoted By: >>18703701

I didn't read it, but the only advice I can give is to never write fanfics. They're retarded.

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:26:11 No.18703701 Report

Quoted By:

>>18703690
>They're retarded.

It's a guilty pleasure. I know they're shit, written by 13 year old beaner taco fucks, but I need to get this urge out of me.

Anonymous

View Same Google ImgOps iqdb SauceNAO trickme.png, 73KiB, 383x258

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:29:24 No.18703745 Report

Quoted By:

I'm running out of Pokemon pictures.

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:32:59 No.18703788 Report

Quoted By:

One problem I have with writing this is writing out the "action" scenes where dialogue is replaced with dull description. Makes me want to be more liberal with this piece.

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:35:03 No.18703810 Report

Quoted By: >>18703828

>>18703510

Is it lewd and does it involve Shauna?

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:36:51 No.18703828 Report

Quoted By:

>>18703810
>is it lewd
Maybe, I want to get across some themes of maturity (the actual process of growing up, puberty) while also exploring the inner thoughts of the Serena and Ash.

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:38:07 No.18703845 Report

Quoted By: >>18703881

>“You’re too slow brother,”
Put a comma after slow.
>His bushel of blonde hair clung low and curled upward: he was drenched.
Why the fuck did you use a colon here?
>“I’m sorry Clemont,”
Comma after sorry
>Souchy
Is this a word?

Flare Boss Lysandre !2DrkZFLarE

Flare Boss Lysandre !2DrkZFLarE Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:39:37 No.18703863 Report

Quoted By: >>18703978

>>18619425

cunt.

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:40:15 No.18703870 Report

Quoted By: >>18703917 >>18703942

1. Too many of your sentences start with "I". If you find it difficult to vary your sentence structure, try writing in third-person?
2. The first few sentences after the ---- don't flow very well, since it sounds like arriving in the Kalos region follows on from Froakie getting injured. Again, varying sentence structure or just rearranging the paragraph would be better.
3. You don't have to have what somebody says followed by how they say it, try it the other way round, or even try being more implicit.

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:41:16 No.18703881 Report

Quoted By: >>18703942

>>18703845
>Put a comma after slow.
Right, thanks for catching that!

>Why the fuck did you use a colon here?
Ugh, not really sure. Maybe that was supposed to be a semicolon. I wrote that after smoking hookah I think.

>Comma after sorry
Duh!

>Is this a word?
Slouchy*

Thanks for catching the technical errors. Any comment on the style and effectiveness?

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:44:33 No.18703917 Report

Quoted By: >>18703942

>>18703870
>Too many of your sentences start with "I". If you find it difficult to vary your sentence structure, try writing in third-person?
I was thinking about third person. I thought a lot about point of view for a long time, and I opted just to have two narrators spaced out by these shitty, totally unprofessional, fucking garbage dashes (I'm too impatient to wait until the next chapter to start the reader off with another narrator). I can take care of those eyes, I's, aye sir.

>The first few sentences after the ---- don't flow very well, since it sounds like arriving in the Kalos region follows on from Froakie getting injured. Again, varying sentence structure or just rearranging the paragraph would be better.
I was trying to introduce Ash first by how he considers responsibility with Pokemon. I should try moving some sentences around, or just having better transitions.

>You don't have to have what somebody says followed by how they say it, try it the other way round, or even try being more implicit.
Definitely, one of the things I fail at is being implicit or subtle. I mean, I think I certainly did much better than my first draft, but I can certainly improve.

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:46:48 No.18703942 Report

Quoted By:

>>18703917
>>18703881
>>18703870
One thing to note, some of the dialog is taken straight from the episode. So if the dialog is trash, you can blame either the Pokemon writers or whichever sub group did the subs.

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:50:40 No.18703978 Report

Quoted By: >>18703986

>>18703863
Basically.

Anonymous

Anonymous Mon 31 Mar 2014 22:51:45 No.18703986 Report

Quoted By:

>>18703978
There's a fucking fanfic thread? Thanks.

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