>>19003759It's a little bit complicated to explain, but here goes.
Step 1. Drink nothing but soda and eat dense non-fiberous food for a month. Do not poop. (Not that you'll be able to anyway)
Step 2. Acquire a cardboard box.
Step 3. Fill cardboard box with laxatives.
Step 4. Take this box to a quiet location where you can be alone for a while without being disturbed. I recommend the dead center of a small field.
Step 5. Consume the entire box, laxatives and box, whole.
Step 6. Wait. You will feel your intestines beginning to shift. This is expected.
Step 7. Begin shitting. This may take a while.
Step 8. Sometime mid shit, your anus may rupture. This is good, it means you are destined to become an excellent champ.
Step 9: Your gut fully evacuated, turn to face your creation. You may be disturbed. If you find this unsettling, you are not champ material.
Step 10. Become one with your excrement heap. Join into it, let it flow over you. Consume as much as you can stand. Rub it all over your body. Behind your ears, underneath your toenails, the whole nine yards.
Step 11. Return to your computer. DO NOT BATHE. If you bathe you will have to start the process over again the next time you want to champ.
Step 12. Congratulations! You are now eligible to champ. Now you must attain champhood. (Continued in part 2)
