Listen Brendan, I got off the phone with your Mother, she says you want a pet?

Brendan, let me tell you why lizards make terrible pets. Brendan, lizards are like old women. Old women shed Brendan. They shed everywhere. Like when my mom was going through menopause and every other day I had to unclog the shower drain because of some massive furball that fell off her head. It was terrible Brendan. Terrible.

Lizards are like old women Brendan. You look at them and they shed their shitty skin everywhere. And they're not even like dogs Brendan. Like, a dog might get your Mom on a date with me. A dog might give me company. What's a lizard going to do Brendan? Just eat bugs, shit on your carpet, and get the drain clogged with hair.

Take May for example. Sure you may think that she's cute now, but she's never going to get better at sports Brendan. And she's going to start shedding skin, like a lizard.

WALLY, IF I SEE YOU DOGGING IT ONE MORE TIME I'M THROWING YOUR INHALER IN THE CERAMIC OVEN.

God, that kid is like a cat, if cats were even more useless.

Anyways, Brendan, I guess the point that I'm trying to make is, what's your mom doing for dinner later tonight?

Because if I have to stare at one more lizard I'm probably going to shoot myself in the face. I fucking hate lizards Brendan. I hate them. Why anyone would keep a mindless reptile as a pet is beyond me.

Just get a fucking dog Brendan.