>>32214208First, I would be more careful with words. Not everyone uses the same vocabulary. Lillie using words like "sec" or "awesome", or Gladion using "little dude" is out of character. This might seem like a minor thing and more trouble than it's worth it, but it is important. A "minute", "okay" or "little guy" would be better choice in those scenarios.
This was a problem throughout the chapter, and every time I noticed it, it broke immersion. It just feels weird and wrong. Since you're just starting out with this, I would recommend not thinking about it while writing a chapter, as it might be just distracting. Just go over the chapter after you're done writing, correcting these as you come across or having someone else go over it.
Then there's just illogical or random things that made no sense. Try to keep things realistic. No one would wake someone up at 2 AM to ask something like Lillie did. That scene could've been just in the morning, or when they were going to sleep. I liked the scene overall, but that time was just weird. Same with the whole diary thing. Lillie read that Sun thinks she's cute, and asked Wicke what does that mean. Really? Then when Wicke asks if Lillie has a crush, Lillie responds "what do you mean". Again, really? Lillie just sounds really stupid and dense. I see what you were going for with this scene, and it was probably just worded poorly, but things like that make the first half of the chapter much better than the second half.
Then there's the Distortion World thing. I imagine it was to give Sun a more important role, but it seems like something that will stretch the story longer than it needs to be. I, and I imagine others too, are already screaming at them to just fuck already, so I'm a bit worried about where that subplot is going. It's a character driven story. Just focus on characters, rather than the plot.
Overall, though, it's good. I'm just being overly critical, as this is pretty much the only English fanfic of this ship.
