>>33649302Not only am I a sort of 'bridge' friend, where I introduce one person to the other (and sometimes, they even couple up with my help, which I'm happy for, but does feed into this third wheel syndrome) and they go on to enjoy their bonding in ways I feel I can't keep up with or partake in, but...I guess my personal limitations and issues make me feel uncomfortable or below-average most of the time. And it's my issue in being defective or subpar, not theirs. So it's very humiliating, inconvenient or troublesome to communicate.
I wish I was a much better friend, a better person for myself even, so I could enjoy and experience what I think is worthlife in life. But I don't belong where I long to be.
I try to hold their well-being and happiness in high regard, even if it tramples over my own in some sense, because the least(or the most?) I can do to express my fondness is ensuring they're enjoying themselves. If it so happens I'm out, it's because I don't fit. If I don't feel we're even, it's due to me being odd.
I wanna work on and address these issues, but my attempts to adapt while I'm still not able have been building up anguish inside of me and giving way to ideas of being just a disposable accessory, more so than a friend.
Since I don't voice this,as I don't wanna weight on the friendship or get things weird for being the one at fault and the only one not dealing well with some arrangement where everyone's comfy and having fun, I keep building this up and it brings me down. So I estranged myself from them, choosing to remain ever so more distant 'cause I was already feeling very distant being close by.
On the other hand,this doesn't solve the problem. And they give me so much love. I didn't realize 'hiding my hideousness in my shell' to this extent would hurt them, as well.
It's love, like I told polyanon, that I believe in despite being so, so very aware of my shortcomings. But it's hard to believe in it...or rather, to believe I'm deserving of it.
