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Don’t make the mistake I did of trying to defy the butthole gods by surpassing even baby wipes. I’m an average guy and I have an average amount of hair, but my crack tends to get pretty wild. I’ve been shaving my pubes clean since I was a teenager and one day I got the idea to put a leg up on the side of the tub and take the scythe to the fields. The process took awhile, with every swipe filling the razor with more hair than I ever imagined. Finally, when I was done I felt the area for any stragglers and was amazed at my work. My first poop was breathtaking. It came clean out and nothing was on the toilet paper. This held up for the next few days and I genuinely believed my life had changed for the better, until one fateful day. It was an exceptionally hot day and I had missed my alarm for work by a about half an hour. I had to drive straight to the train station and catch it in time or I would be late for work. I remember hitting every single red light on the way and my broken AC was pumping out pure engine heat. I started sweating from the miasma of anxiety and torturous air. I got to the parking lot and saw the train coming in the distance. I jumped out of my car and grabbed my bag and just started sprinting. I was sweating profusely through my dress shirt and underwear when the greatest catastrophe of my life happened. Whilst charging up the stairs, the beautifully slick crevice that was my shaven asshole became so well lubricated from my sweat that I overshot a step and tripped on the next one. I went face first into the stairs, putting a gash in my forehead and knocking loose a tooth. I then slinked backwards and rolled down the stairs, landing at the bottom. Right then my smooth, lubricated butthole pushed out a clean turd and left me laying there in my blood, sweat, shit, and tears while the train and my job left me.
