I'll just take this chance to make a huge ass blogpost of one my biggest life secrets. It's nothing too grandiose or shocking, just what I've been living with.
I've been in love with the same man for more than a decade, but here's the kicker: he doesn't exist. No, he's not an anime husbando or some shit. When I was 13, I started reading a lot of books from varied genres, and like many 13 y/o girls, I self inserted as the MC if she happened to be a girl. But out of nowhere, sometimes whenever the male love interest would pop up, my mind would create this very specific image of a boy with dirty blond hair, brown eyes, wearing a black sweater, who had this very serious/calm expression. I often wondered why my mind would do that, but I didn't fight it. If my brain thought that was a good image for the guys, then so be it. Eventually, that boy started appearing in my dreams, where he'd talk to me and we'd be together a lot. I started warming up to him but still thought of him as just an illusion, nothing else, but it was fun having him around. Some months later, since I was crushing on this boy two years older than me I did the usual and started fantasizing about us being married in the future. I pictured the whole thing, our house, everything, but then just.. for some reason, it felt wrong. It felt very, very wrong, I felt physically ill, disgusted, started getting anxious "nonono, this isn't okay, I don't want this, I don't want this, stop it". I had an extreme rejection to that thought, but why? Isn't he the guy I like? Shouldn't I like this fantasy? And then, just because, I pictured the same future but with this boy from my dreams, and.. it felt so.. nice. It felt so good, I felt happy. I felt warm, I found myself smiling, it felt so right, like he's the one meant to be my husband. But why? He isn't real, I don't like him, he's just an illusion created by my brain, why does it feel so right? But regardless of why, I felt so happy.
Cont.
