>what’s on your mind.
I’m fine tonight but I haven’t been for a while. Apologies for no comfy mons, I’ll post some later, I just need Pic Related for context.
It’s been over a month since Pic Related happened and I feel like I’m mentally collapsing. The whole “I don’t have any problems and I just want attention” angle has devolved into a goddam ouroboros. My feelings are recognized as something to be ashamed of, then I feel like a terrible person, then I think(realize?) I’m using that accusation to fuel more self-loathing, I feel scummy, repeat.
Another thing that happened about a week ago. My parents like to go shooting so they keep their guns and ammo in the living room, and I’ve had the knowledge I could kill myself whenever for forever. What happened, I don’t remember why, I started giving it more thought than usual. I found myself googling the best way to shoot yourself with what gun, and staring out the window thinking about where I’d go to make the easiest clean up. Unrelated I’ve had fantasies about what’d happen to my corpse for a long time. I feel selfish about it though.
