>>48398438Tried pretending to be confident since high school, but all it ever got me was in trouble. Not to mention, I hate focusing myself and my interests, because all of my interests since I was born involve me just indulging in things that make me feel good. For some reason I’ve never found anything that’s worth pursuing; spent more of my time in high school learning how to code with the ambition of becoming an indie dev at some point a decade or so from then, but the state of the industry + all the foreign game devs entering the market completely squashed my interests. A similar thing happened in middle school when I realized I wasn’t as hardworking as I thought I was, and I just kinda gave up on doing school work. Pretty much my entire life has just been getting excited when I find a field that is underutilized that I have some amount of interest in, until I realize it either wasn’t underutilized or I was much worse than everyone else aspiring to compete in that field. Maybe it’s because of the abuse I saw as a child, but no amount of therapy or medication has broken my apparent fear of competition, or more specifically, fear of failure in competition. Any successes I feel now either feel hollow or unearned, and any failures/situations where I didn’t do as well as I had hoped feel crippling. No clue what to do about it, since all the experts don’t know either.
Sorry this turned into a blog, just don’t know what else to say but let out my struggles with the fact that it hasn’t worked, since it seems to work for everyone else that puts in effort that isn’t me.
