>>54205432So if I start working from the end backwards, an easy thing would be that you could just straight eliminate that final segment reveal. Mel just foreshadowed that in the scene prior to it, let that sit and cook with your readers. As for telling the story of different perspectives and having them meet a central point, its not an easy thing to juggle, and there's going to be bumps in the road before you smooth out that delivery. I think some of my own critique comes from the opinion that those different perspectives aren't being given enough time to cook either. Like I'm not reading the investment some of these characters have in their own perspective. Everyone seems to just be along for the ride, and ironically Mel has had the clearest delivery in a while. Like I KNOW what she wants, how she's invested, and that's she's the type to kick the door down and get strutting. Related to that, it's okay to do some slight bending, I just felt like in Iroha's case, it was more of a forced bend to make her job. In regards to stringing together separate plot lines, having your characters be that questioning voices within their own isolated section of the plot is a good way to convey to your readers how they might actually connect together. Have Civia question what the hell Mel could be doing, and how it even relates to her given what she knows so far. The characters at this point should be questioning what's going on and trying to make sense of it in their own heads. Also, it might be a little hard to follow and the strands feel thin since at least in this chapter it was very much "Scene setup, actors enter, small interactions -> Spiked rising action ->someone gets jobbed -> scene end". The pace is just a little too fast for an overarching interconnecting plot. Though at the end of the day, it could be just a skill issue on my end, so take what I say with a grain of salt and always stay true to your overall vision. I'm just some anon, I can't take away what you got planned and the story you want to tell, nor should I ever be allowed to do that. In the end though, I think if you take anything away from my feedback, is that you can use your characters as tools to better connect the reader to your story. Look at all the players involved and consider all your options for presentation.