>>99252224Oh boy, a lot of things I get to autistically nitpick at to suggest improvements!
I don't mean anything negative by this, I just think it can be a *bit* cleaner with a second hand on it. Love you>Impregnation, for the purpose of procreationImpregnation is 4 syllables itself, and the line is 10 in total with the pause in the same place so it's off-tempo and flows badly (the original is 11, with "Imagination" as 5 on its own). I don't have a suggestion to fix this, my word skill doesn't apply when it comes to synonyms for breeding.
>Pal of pin's, we're kin in sadomasochismIs too long because "sadomasochism" has an extra syllable on its end with the '-ism' ending ('-ism' vs. '-ist'). Consider
>Pal of pins, we're of kin, both sadomasochistsBecause it matches syllable count and tempo.
>Only if her heart is yours>Pin her down, on the ground, North Carolina lovingIs 7 syllables to the original song's 6 for that line. The easiest fix would be to swap "North Carolina" for something one syllable shorter ('Carolina' is 4 syllables on its own).
These are the only big things that stick out to me that I'd work on.
