>>43696605Formatting could be better. You could break the dialogues into different paragraphs depending on who's speaking.
Open a thesaurus. Using the same world multiple times can be taxing on the reader.
Couple of odd sentences and grammar mistakes like "shear" instead of "sheer"
Not much I can say, I did like some parts of it, like calling the lollipop a weapon.
Read more and work on your mechanics. You'll get better.
