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i hate the attention people have gotten here for being mean, hateful, or just disingenuous, saying things they dont care or believe in. (you know who i am talking about, ik there are always gonna be people like that)
ive told myself its because im different, that i dont like it because im some selfless being, but the real reason is because im jealous of that attention. the only thing keeping me from being just as bitchy and mean is an oath to being nice. im a paladin of kindness but not out of the goodness of my heart but to contain my own bad nature. i want some part of the attention they get so bad that ive thought of mean things to say and felt bitter feelings develop for people i look up to and it makes me want to throw up. ive always known and expected that id envy what my oshi(s) have and strive to more like them some day but this is something else and it makes me sick.
im just another attention whore. i want to be wanted, desired, and be called cute and pretty and feel like im special, but without the responsibility or effort of actually doing anything to deserve it, i guess. thats why i post here rather than going outside or becoming a vtuber. i dont have the courage or competence socially or otherwise to do those things, but besides, this is so much better, in a way. i have no idea who is behind the posters i like or who i get infatuated with, so i can build them in my mind as the perfect persona, romanticizing the idea of them and only seeing the idealized parts. but it would go just the same if i were to do anything else, the people who would love me would only love the idea of me, just like i love the idea of them. i dont even know if this is actually what i want, and that its better than any alternatives, but i have a feeling its not, its parasocial and theres no warmth. its only a temporarily embrace away from the sweltering loneliness i sit in cooped up in my house all day doing nothing but browse 4chan and watch vods because i dont have the initiative to catch anything live anymore.
i lay down my bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about this so much that my eyes arent even looking anymore, i see splotches of nothing and flashing patterns and lines arranged in a grid, like a spiderweb. i cant help but feel like its a reminder that im stuck here, in my own head, a helpless fly stuck in a web of my own neuroticism. but theres no spider to put me out of my misery, to so erotically pump me full of poison and envenomate me, theres nobody to distract me of my thoughts and use me for a greater purpose. i hang there, alone, writhing, forced to live, forced to think, to perceive, to watch everyone else ive ever known grow and move on with their life.
but not every fly dies in the web, and im saved from my stupor, if only for a moment, as i feel the lovely warmth of something alive on my stomach. its my kitty, the thing i love the most, my dear sweet beautiful little boy, as cringe as it feels to say it, hes my son. hes the only one who really loves me, and sure, my parents love me, but thats unconditional love, while my cat loves me because i love him back. its that kind of mutual love that i think i need, and that physical warmth, but im too scared and shy to go outside, and ive already fallen in love with the idea of other things, my stupid digital crushes (bitcrushes ill call them, heh) reminding me of my ex, seeing his cute retarded mannerisms in people in here and other threads. or maybe im just seeing what i want to see. its that or the spider to save me, and its got some kind of duality, maybe the spider is sex and the cat is romance, i can only have one or the other, not both, so i take neither. i just cant let go of thinking like this, staring down my stupid existence, everything comes back to the web, trapped in my own head, watching and waiting from a distance.
i just want a way to escape feeling like this. i need help, idk what to do
uhhh i mean haha peepee poopoo PANKO MANKO Phase Connect
