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It's weird when you pour all this energy into your project and stream and try to do everything right even when everythign is trying to make everything wrong.
When you constantly try to gridge the gap but nothing seems to be working. Shit I met my modest objectives, but I'm eating dirt off of the ground when I see people that began with me, have about the same quality of content and that just soar and continue to grow. It empties one soul to see that.
I can't get menhera on stream because I'm supposed to be positive energy toward change and improvement, I learn things on stream, I try to constantly remake my formula based on what I know and what I can do. And yet I'm still speaking to the void most of the time, with some dedicated fans I've come to love like little cousins sometimes.
They don't know it but their interrations make them so important for me, and they shouldn't know it, I'm supposed to be strong and proud. I've got one menhera moment on stream, just one minute of reality and I've regretted it ever since.
I love what I do, I truly do. But I'd like to have some dopamine please. I'd like to have repeat viewers rather than a flat line, bots and nothing else after that. i want to actually be able to support my streams and improve my material and eat more than once a day to have more energy to give to streaming every single day.
One day I'll have interraction and a loving community. One day some will come back to enjoy my insane rants, my voices and the wacky scenario I try to make on the fly.And my unfunny dad jokes, and my stupid drawings, and my science.
One day I'll finally reach the light I'm striving for rather than remain invisible. But I also feel horribly selfish when I see people on this thread trying to give at least one smile, and to make content. I should be happy for what I have, but I'm not content. I'm hungry for more. I want more.
All of my previous dreams were taken away from me either by circonstances, my ever degrading mental health, or my inability to be able to feel genuine social dopamine.
but we will make it, all of us. And I won't accept any early graduation except for reaching something that makes us all more beautiful, intelligent, happy and content.
