>>75679028I think its pretty good for what it its (a short and to the point smut). I do have some issues with it and i hope this helps you visualize them
>SceneIn both this and the Kanata ones the sex just happens and once its done the fic ends. You stablished the incest desire in the previous one so it happening out of nowhere works because its supposed to be an explosive desire.
Here the setup confuses the reader because its a shitty motel but that has nothing to do with the story and then Koyori remembers she's horny. If i were to suggest a change i would adjust the scene
>Anon and Koyori land in the motel>Its shitty. They go out for dinner and get kinda tipsy/They just lay in bed talking>Try and get frisky but you are bummed out due to the shitty lodging>Coyotes/wolves around the motel start mating. That sets off Koyori. Mood becomes good>Sex>Yippie! you are being a dad/Maybe shitty motels are part of the experienceThere the story is both about breeding koyori AND turning a bad sittuation into a good one, and it closes that first scene.
In general you dont want to open threads that go nowhere, or else you end with people going "okay but what does that have to do with everything else?"
>DescriptionI think you have a great prose and do a good job in describing stuff, but it does get a bit too verbose and it tires/annoys the writer. Adding a bit of dialogue or dialing down the description helps. The bit where you go
>I wasn’t ignorant. I could tell that she was horny. But, that being said, I’d seen my girlfriend horny before, and it had been nowhere near this, and definitely not with this kind of change in demeanor.Could lose a few words
>I could tell that she was horny. But, that being said, I’d seen my girlfriend horny before, and it had been nowhere near this level and never with this change of demeanor.Im sure you can find a better way to edit the descriptions, since that's your specialty, so apologies if my example reads badly
>CharacterizationYour characters are a bit muted. Nothing wrong with that, but it does feel like you are holding back on giving them some dialogue. Koyori's tail during the sex was good subtle characterization. Maybe she flirts with it? maybe she talks with a bit of an accent? maybe she tries to console you cutely? inject the characters with a bit more energy and they'll improve a whole lot more
>>75680220In this house we love all vtubers and we love evil woman.
