Quoted By:
My Dearest Callie,
I've been staring at these empty shelves for some time now. Small, simple wooden rectangles bolted to the wall, proudly displaying a thin layer of fresh autumn dust. Expression is something I've always struggled with, growing up in a home full of people who, while having the best intentions, commonly tried to lay my life out for me, and growing up in a community full of people who, while having the worst intentions, commonly tried to get me to forfeit my life to them. In my own existence, there was rarely ever room for me. And as I aged and opportunities for expression became available to me, I didn't even realize it. Having my own feelings and making my own choices didn't feel like an option to me. It was actually a post I saw on Twitter a few years ago that made me realize that agency is a skill, something you have to consciously train. So that's what I've been doing. Learning to make my own choices, however small they may be, and learning to exist and be active both online and in real life instead of just being an observer. To this end I have made great strides, thanks in part to you and your friends and peers, and in part to this community here that I've found, but there are still some leaps that I'm hesitant to make. I have two years of Shondo merch hidden away inside of a drawer in my bedroom dresser, and recently the Kitanya plush and Clay the Claymore have joined them. And soon, your bandana will arrive. I don't want to keep hiding myself away like this, hiding you away like this, feeling unable to express myself safely in my own home. Fear grips me, my mind races through all of the possible ramifications of my interests not being well-received, simulating dozens of different battles and negotiations and diplomatic meetings. But I know in my heart that, the more fearful you are, the important it is that you face that fear. This dread will plague me no longer.
Forever Me, John Nyadams
