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I've been following her for years now and I just felt like I needed to get this off my chest because it's been popping into my mind sometimes lately.
I am completely obsessed with and emotionally invested in this woman and I have no fucking clue how this happened. I can try to rationalize it and I can perfectly articulate why I like her so much, but I still have no fucking clue how I got hooked this badly. I always considered myself a pretty rational and level headed person, I've liked/loved many people and celebrities before to very high degrees before, I've even been head-over-heels in love with a girl once, but I swear to god nobody has gotten me to this degree. I've poked fun at my friends who have gotten obsessed with someone (either a partner or a celebrity too) thinking I would never go that deep and here I am. I rarely if ever bought merch or goods of things I love before and here I am spending savings on her merch (now I own plenty of non-Suityan though); I never thought I'd ever do something like try to learn another language and now I actually possess a useful level of japanese skill just because I had to watch her live; I wasn't dismissive of weeb stuff and japanese culture but I sure as hell didn't have much of an interest in it, and while Hololive in general turned that around for me (my perception of the concept of vtubers got flipped on its head when I met Korone) I definitely wasn't on the level of essentially stalking their Twitters to see if they had tweeted something. I've found so much good music through listening to her karaokes and taking it from there that is now even bleeding into my close circles; I would have NEVER gotten up at 5 or 6 AM to catch someone's event (like a concert). Hell I barely touched 4chan before I met her and now this place has become part of my weekly routine because I love keeping up even with people who also love talking about her. Like fuck, she never even does pandery stuff that would at least justify me falling for her even though that sort of thing really never worked on me anyway. There genuinely isn't a day that goes by without me having at least a passing thought about her. The first year or so I spent following her was actually very harmful for my productivity because I'd spend 90% of my time watching old clips or watching VODs I missed (I still do but now I know time management) and wasting a lot of time on that. This fucking woman really flipped my switch in a way I'll never understand, and I can barely cope with it because it sort of destroyed how I saw myself BUT at the same time I've been happier than ever. Seeing her having fun, or being successful, or being happy, genuinely makes me happy too. And I feel like that love has bled into my real life a bit (or it just really annoys my sister because I won't shut up about Suityan to her). In a way she made me realize I wasn't as mature as I thought. But that's not necessarily a bad thing I guess. I don't even think it's actually love or something what I'm feeling (though -sometimes- it feels like that) but seriously nothing and nobody has made me feel like this. It's fucking ridiculous. I'm just glad I've learned to canalize all of it into positive things that have felt like a change for the better in me instead of something that has taken over my life for the worse (though i'm being cringe right now but whatever).
Anyway I hope I can catch her next stream live. thank you suityan i rabyu
(I think this counts as blogposting sorry but I really was about to explode and I won't ever feel like doing this again)
