>>47539975As I said before, it did feel a little long. Rather than there being too many characters and scenes, I think it was more a problem of spending too much time with those characters and in those scenes. Like the time with Mio could have been shortened, or the time resting at Mel's cafe.
Your prose tends to be quite flowery and often delves deep into the characters' thoughts and emotions to expand on them. While that is a good thing 90% of the time and often leaves me wishing I could write like you, it sometimes makes the word count bloated, and goes on a little too long about how the character is feeling or thinking when the story could be progressing instead.
That's just me personally, some might consider it better that way. Regardless, Holofantasy is one of the main reasons I've stuck around and continued writing stories here, so I'm always looking forward to the next installment.
Christ, I've been responding to so many emails at work lately, I nearly wrote "Kind regards" at the end. 